


Tell Me Pretty Lies & Save Me from Myself

by Wolvesta



Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [13]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck feels, Buck has issues, Eddie Has Issues, F/M, Feels, Fix-It, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hopeful Ending, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Men are dumb sometimes, Miscommunication, Song Lyrics, eddie feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:13:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: Buck and Eddie were friends with benefits. It's just sex...right?After the lawsuit, a few months to be exact. Eddie came to his house to talk, and for the life of him, he cannot tell anyone how it happened. But one moment they were talking, and the next, they were in the bedroom with Eddie on top of him. Touching him in a way that he never thought was possible. And when it was all said and done, Eddie fell asleep next to him. Buck took hours, admiring Eddie from the other side of the bed, so thankful that he got this chance. Except when Buck woke up the next morning, Eddie was gone.That should have been a warning
Relationships: Ana Flores/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551724
Comments: 20
Kudos: 259





	1. Tell me pretty lies

> _**Tell me pretty lies** _
> 
> **_Look me in the face_ **
> 
> **_Tell me that you love me_ **
> 
> **_Even if it's fake '_ **
> 
> **_Cause I don't fucking care, at all_ **

It went like this:

After the lawsuit, a few months to be exact. Eddie came to his house to talk, and for the life of him, he cannot tell anyone how it happened. But one moment they were talking, and the next, they were in the bedroom with Eddie on top of him. Touching him in a way that he never thought was possible. And while Eddie was inside of him, Buck almost cried because he finally got to be with Eddie. And when it was all said and done, Eddie fell asleep next to him. Buck took hours, admiring Eddie from the other side of the bed, so thankful that he got this chance. Except when Buck woke up the next morning, Eddie was gone.

_That should have been a warning_

{~}{~}

_He finally got Eddie_

At least he thought he did, but things are different now. Buck likes to think that they’ve been together for a while, but it turns out, he was kidding himself. He wished he wasn’t, they went win dates, spend time together, and are practically raising a kid together. Not to mention, the sex is amazingBuck was so sure that they were dating, or at least a family. After years of fighting and searching for one, he finally found one with Eddie and Chris. But it turns out that they were, in fact, not dating.

> _**You've been out all night** _
> 
> **_I don't know where you've been_ **
> 
> **_You're slurring all your words_ **
> 
> **_Not making any sense_ **
> 
> **_But I don't fucking care, at all_ **

It all came crashing down when asked Buck to watch Christopher while he went out with some old friends. Buck, of course, never minded, he was always down to spend time with Chris. The same night, when Eddie entered the house, Buck found it weird that Eddie came home tipsy. While this wasn’t weird, it was weird because…how did Eddie get home?

“Fun night?”

“It was good…but I’m glad you’re here” Eddie carefully saying his words as he drags Buck to the bedroom. Buck is about to protest until Eddie pushes him onto the bed while taking his shirt off.

“Eddie, you can’t you’re-“

“I’m not drunk, just tipsy enough to feel really warm. I just really want you right now”

“Eddie-“ Buck is cut off and he doesn’t say anything else the rest of the night, not with the way Eddie is kissing and touching him. And while Eddie is making Buck forget his own name, he wonders if Eddie feels the same way as he does. He loves Eddie with everything he has, but deep down, he wonders if Eddie doesn’t feel the same. He wants to tell him, but he’s scared that he’ll lose Eddie and Chris.

> _**'Cause I have hella feelings for you** _
> 
> **_I act like I don't fucking care_ **
> 
> **_Like they ain't even there_ **
> 
> **_'Cause I have hella feelings for you_ **
> 
> **_I act like I don't fucking care_ **
> 
> **_'Cause I'm so fucking scared_ **

{~}{~}

Buck and Eddie are in the kitchen after spending some time in Buck’s bedroom after a long shift. Eddie excuses himself to go to the bathroom when Buck sees Eddie’s phone constantly vibrating. He grabs the phone, wondering if it’s Carla or an emergency, but it’s an unknown number. Eddie comes out of the bathroom and sees that Buck has his phone.

“Buck? What are you doing with my phone?” Eddie asks, grabbing it out of Buck’s hand before he can respond.

“Sorry, I thought it was Carla or something bad happened…sorry” Eddie instantly feels bad, he didn’t mean to act that way.

“Buck I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that”

“It’s fine” Buck says, the atmosphere ruined by his actions. He sighs as he looks down, crossing his arms, trying to make himself look smaller.

“Buck it’s-“ Eddie reaches out but stops when Buck moves away, his bod language screaming to leave him alone.

“I’m fine, you should go. Be with Chris, I’ll see you at work” Buck says dismissively, barely holding in the urge to cry. Eddie looks like he wants to argue, but sighs.

“W-we’re ok right?” Eddie asks hesitantly.

“Yea…” Buck answers after a moment and Eddie stares before exiting. The moment the door shuts, Buck lets out a quiet sob.

_Why does he hurt himself like this?_

> _**I'm only a fool for you** _
> 
> **_And maybe you're too good for me_ **
> 
> **_I'm only a fool for you_ **
> 
> **_But I don't fucking care, at all, oh_ **

{~}{~}

It’s been happening a lot more frequently than not. Eddie will come over, they’ll have sex and then he’ll leave within the hour. But he observes that it happens when his phone vibrates. One day, Buck asks him about it.

“I’m sorry Buck, I just have things to do after. But I like seeing you, why is something wrong?”

“No nothing’s wrong,” Buck says, plastering on a smile, hoping that Eddie doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t.

“Ok well, I have to go. But I’ll see you at work tomorrow”

“Eddie?” Said person stops before the door shuts all the way. "Do me a favor? If you're going to keep your secrets, I'm not going to stop you. But don't treat me like I'm an idiot ok?"

"Wait...what secrets? I'm not keeping anything from you" Eddie says, stepping back into the apartment.

“Yea…ok” Buck says, sighing before walking away from the door. The dismissal could not be more obvious.

{~}{~}

“Buck? Is everything ok?” Maddie asks over their weekly meetup.

“Yea, everything is all good. Work is good, life is good” Buck says, lying straight through his teeth.

“Buck, I’m your sister, please talk to me” Maddie puts a hand on top of Buck’s.

“Eddie and I are together”

“Oh Buck, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. I know you’ve loved him for a long time”

“Yea but…can you not tell anyone et? It’s still new” He lies again, this has been going on for a few months.

“Of course, I promise. Now spill the tea”

“No one our age says that”

{~}{~}

> _**Tell me pretty lies** _
> 
> **_Look me in the face_ **
> 
> **_Tell me that you love me_ **
> 
> **_Even if it's fake_ **
> 
> **_'Cause I don't fucking care, at all_ **

It all came to a head one night

It was after Eddie came over. They were lying in bed and Buck pretended to be asleep when he heard Eddie’s phone ring. Eddie grabbed it and went to the other room to take the call. Buck lets out a few tears, knowing what this might mean. Eddie comes back in the room to gather his discarded clothes and belt.

“I’ll be there soon” Eddie whispers in the phone before pocketing it.

“Where are you going?” Eddie almost drops his phone at the sudden voice.

“You scared me. Uh…something came up”

“What?”

“Just something, I have to go” Eddie says before running down the stairs. Buck sighs before turning in the bed, forcing himself to try and go to sleep when he hears the door to his apartment shut. After almost an hour, he throws the covers off of himself and goes downstairs to the kitchen. He’s too wound up after everything. This has been going on for months, Eddie coming over and then sneaking off after, never speaking about it or giving him a reason why. After all they’ve been through, doesn’t he deserve an explanation on where they stand?

But Buck would never have the courage to bring this up to Eddie, fearing that he’ll take Christopher away and he’ll be left all alone again. And while it hurts to be the second choice, he would rather have Eddie like this than not at all. Buck is brought out of his thoughts when he hears vibrations from the kitchen island. He reaches over and sees that Eddie left his phone, he panics for a moment because how would Carla or Abuela reach him in case of an emergency? But then he remembers that Chris is spending the night with Denny at a sleepover, so he texts Athena to let her know that Eddie doesn’t have his phone, and to call him if there’s an emergency. Buck hears the phone ring again, and out of pure annoyance, he answers the phone, but doesn’t say anything, he only listens.

 _“Eddie hi, I had a great time tonight. And last night, and the week before. I’m having fun spending time with you, let me know when you want to go for another date and round...Eddie?”_ Buck breathes out slowly before hanging up and slamming the phone on the countertop, not caring if he breaks it. He lets out a shaky breath and covers his face with his shaking hands.

He’s just an idiot

> _**You've been out all night** _
> 
> **_I don't know where you've been_ **
> 
> **_You're slurring all your words_ **
> 
> **_Not making any sense_ **
> 
> **_But I don't fucking care, at all_ **

Buck shoots up when he hears the door unlock, he forgot that Eddie has a key and can get in anytime. Eddie stops when he sees Buck is at the island, staring at him.

“Buck? Is everything ok? You’ve been crying-“

“Yea uh…you forgot your phone” Buck says as he holds it up. Eddie seems to put the pieces together and looks alarmed.

“Buck-“

“Don’t! Just…don’t”

“Why are you upset? We agreed that this was just to help each other out…to blow off some steam” Buck lets out a rueful sob. “Buck?”

“No… **you** agreed to that. I never would have agreed to that?”

“Why not?

“Because I love you!” Buck shouts before he can stop it, and his heart sinks when Eddie shakes his head.

“N-no you don’t. You just think you do, this is just sex” Buck lets another laugh before covering face with one hand.

> _**'Cause I have hella feelings for you** _
> 
> **_I act like I don't fucking care_ **
> 
> **_Like they ain't even there_ **
> 
> **_'Cause I have hella feelings for you_ **
> 
> **_I act like I don't fucking care_ **
> 
> **_'Cause I'm so fucking scared_ **

“Buck…look it doesn’t matter I-“

“Wait…it doesn’t matter? Everything we’ve been doing…none of it matters?”

“That’s not what I meant-“

“We’ve been sleeping together, we’ve gone out on dates together, we’ve been raising Chris together…haven’t we?”

“Buck…this was just sex. It’s not like I’m actually gay or anything” Buck breathes in and out sadly, nodding after a moment. “Buck?”

“I... I thought we were together Eddie... y-you’re the only man I’ve ever let t-touch me that way because I... I thought you loved me back Eddie... oh God, oh my God... I am such an idiot.” Buck sobs out in between his hands.

“Evan…” Eddie tries to say but is cut off.

“Get out…”

“What? No Buck we have to-“

“We don’t have to do anything Eddie…just go. Go to her, maybe she’ll make you feel better”

“I’m not going” the tone is final, but Buck can’t do this right now.

“Then I’ll go” Buck says before getting up from the table. Eddie grabs his wrist but Buck twists out of it instantly, shoving Eddie’s phone in his chest. He ignores the calling of his name from his apartment and the elevator shuts on Eddie. He goes to the roof instead of the lobby, knowing Eddie doesn’t have a key to get outside. Buck shuts the door to the stairs and slides down the wall of the stairs, struggling to take a breath without crying. He hides his head in his arms and legs as he cries, all the emotions from the past few months coming up at an alarming rate.

He feels his phone vibrate, but he silences it, not caring who’s calling. Every scene of them together is playing in Buck’s mind, everything he thought they built was a lie…it didn’t mean anything. The phone rings again and again before Buck answers it without looking at the caller ID.

“What?”

“Buck let me explain-“

“Where were you?”

“…out with Ana”

“Oh I see…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“…Did you sleep with her?” Buck finally asks, trying to make sense of the whole situation. But he gets his answer when Eddie hesitates to answer.

“…no” Buck scoffs at this answer.

“Yea ok…”

"Look just...where are you? I'll come to find you and we can figure this out ok? Just tell me where you are"

“…No”

“N-no? You’re serious?”

“Why bother? We’re never going to get anywhere, and besides, you made it clear. You don’t love me as I love you, tell Chris I’m sorry. Have fun with Ana, maybe she can love you instead”

“Buck-“ Eddie is cut off when he hangs up the phone and turns it off. He didn’t know what to do. He had never felt this way before...he was so sure that Eddie felt the same. Isn't that what Hen always told him? That Eddie looks at him with the same looks? He had said he wasn’t gay; that was the thing that hurt the most because of the way he had been in bed with him - how gentle and loving - had made him believe… well. It had given him hope, where there was obviously none.

Buck just didn’t understand. Not that it mattered anymore, really. Eddie had Ana to love and be loved by, and, though it was actually, physically killing him, Buck loved him enough to want him to be happy...

“God…I’m such a fool”

> _**I'm only a fool for you** _
> 
> **_And maybe you're too good for me_ **
> 
> **_I'm only a fool for you_ **
> 
> **_But I don't fucking care, at all, oh_ **

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!

Sorry for the cliffhanger! Chapter 2 should be out soon!

Song: IDFC by BlackBear 

Sorry for any errors, wrote this in 2 hours and had to get it out


	2. Save Me From Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Insomnia by IAMX

> _**The day is incomplete** _
> 
> **_The thoughts of total defeat_ **
> 
> **_I don't know what is happening to me_ **
> 
> **_Or if I'll die, 'cause I just never sleep_ **

Days had gone by, and Buck still hadn’t gone to work. People kept calling, but he couldn’t answer the phone to anyone. He changed the locks on his door and switched stations…not ready to face Eddie. He’s trying to heal himself enough to keep going…but it was so hard. The thoughts that he had worked so hard to stop came back the second he was alone. That he never deserved Eddie, his friends at the 118, Maddie, and his future nephew/niece. He hears Bobby knocking at the door all the time, but he ignores him. He hears Eddie pounding on his door, but he ignores him too.

One day, he had enough strength to go to the kitchen to eat something small, but it didn’t last when he heard Eddie at the door again. So he does what he always does, nothing. He doesn’t say anything, but he sits by the door and simply listens to Eddie.

 _“Buck please…I’m sorry. Please talk to me…answer your phone or something. I miss you…so much. Please answer me”_ Buck doesn’t do any of those things though, he simply cries, even though he should have run out of tears a long time ago. He feels no energy to sleep or do anything else but cry about what could have been.

> _**You awoke into my night** _
> 
> **_You could see the madness in my eyes_ **
> 
> {~}{~}

He’s temporarily working with the 136, Bosko’s crew. And he finds he doesn’t mind it, at least he has a friend there already. Lena had been there when he was ranting about Eddie’s disappearing. But when the truth came to light, Buck didn’t contact her anymore. He had missed text messages, calls, FaceTime calls, Instagram DM’s, and even Facebook messages, but he ignored every single one of them. He heard Lena knocking on the door, but he doesn’t get up to open it. He hears the knocking stop and he goes back under the covers but is startled when the covers are pulled off of him.

“Lena?! How did you get in here?” She simply holds up a knife with several lock picking tools.

“Forgive me, but I was worried”

“You don’t have to…” Buck says but Lena sits on the edge of the bed. She doesn’t say anything…she simply stares at him until he breaks. He cries until it hurts, and even then, she doesn’t leave.

“It hurts so much…you were right. I should have told him and-“

“I know…I know it’s hard”

“What am I going to do?”

“First, brush your teeth. Because no one loses when one brushes their teeth. Then see if you have the energy to take a shower, then we can finish _The Promised Neverland”_

He feels a little better after brushing his teeth, showering, and shaving. But it doesn’t erase the hurt, and he’s afraid that nothing ever will.

> _**I've lost control, please save me from myself** _
> 
> **_I’ve lost control, please save me from myself_ **

{~}{~}

Buck thought that not being at the 118 would help him get over Eddie, but he was wrong. Everywhere he goes, he seems to see his face. And it all comes to a head three days after the ‘break up’. There had been a fire at a major apartment complex in the city, and it was all hands on deck. The 118, 136, and 099 all pull in and immediately get to work. Buck stops when he sees Eddie looking at him from far away, he stares at him for a moment before Lena touches his shoulder. Buck snaps out of it and follows Lena and a few others into the building. They get a count of people who’ve been evacuated and rescued. When everyone seems to be clear of the building Lena makes her way back down, Buck following right behind her. But that’s when he gets a call on his radio.

There was a visual of someone stuck on the fourth floor, unable to get out. Buck runs up there and stops when he sees Eddie on the other side of the hall. But he shakes his head to clear the doubt set in, he has a job to top and he’s determined to get it done. When they enter the apartment, they split up and try to find this person, but they find nothing.

“Captain Nash, there’s no one on this floor, over” Buck hearts Eddie say to Bobby.

“Standby…the figure is gone. Get out of there, over”

“Buck we gotta go” Eddie gets out of the room and Buck is following him, but he stops when he feels the ground shake.

“Earthquake?” Buck asks out-loud and is startled when he hears both radios explode with their respective captains screaming:

_“It’s going to collapse!”_

_“Buckley get out of there! The building isn’t stable!”_

Both Eddie and Buck race down the stairs of the building, trying to make it out in time. Buck is hot on Eddie’s tail, who throws the emergency door open. But before Buck can get out, he feels the floor give out as he steps onto the ground level. Suddenly, he’s hanging on to the edge of what used to be the floor, all of his equipment feels heavy. And he feels his arms go weak, the days of not eating now showing up at a bad time.

“Buck!” He hears from above him and he sees Eddie peering over the edge. “Grab my hand!” Eddie shouts as he reaches down and extends his arm as much as he can. Buck can see the flashover beginning to form, and he knows that if they don’t get out, they’ll both die. So he does the only logical thing:

He lets go

As he falls, he can hear Eddie’s scream of horror. And when Buck’s body falls onto the concrete floor, he wonders if Eddie was concerned. Landing onto concrete hurt, but not as much as unrequited love. And even as his eyes grow heavy, he hopes that Eddie finds happiness.

> _**My conscience begs for time** _
> 
> **_'Cause you can't fight the clock_ **
> 
> **_Ticking inside_ **
> 
> **_I'm just a bigger baby me_ **
> 
> **_Acting smart, oh what irony_ **

{~}{~}

_Eddie was gay_

Well, actually – Eddie was bisexual (because he was attracted to women, like Shannon too), but that wasn't important. What's important is that Eddie liked guys, even though he's ever said it to anyone. Not even his parents, who would love to have more ammunition to not be proud of him. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, though, there was a big part of him that was attracted to Evan Buckley.

He had had no idea the other man was in love with him, though.

But what changed? Eddie had told him from the beginning that this was strictly going to be about sex...but Buck said he never agreed. Was that true? When had Buck suddenly realized he wanted more, and why hadn't he said anything about it? He could understand if it was nerves, but what had he expected Eddie to do about it? Punch him? Stop being his friend? Immediately reject him -

The realization hit Eddie so quickly that it knocked all the breath out of his body, and he scrambled to grab his phone.

He had rejected Buck, hadn't he? He had been so self-conscious about what he would think about him, that he hadn't stopped to think about how his words had been hurting the other man, and... oh God, his face had been heartbreaking. His entire body language screaming pain…when would Buck stop paying for his mistakes.

He calls Buck several times before he finally answers. The short conversation between them was rough…and Eddie tried to explain, but Buck was fast to cut him off.

 _“…Did you sleep with her?”_ Eddie’s breath stops at this because no of course not. He went out on three dates with Ana, but they hadn’t slept together. He kissed her, but she admitted that she was asexual, and was not interested in any form of sex. And while Eddie doesn’t have a problem with that personally, he wasn’t feeling a connection anyway. Eddie wanted to tell Buck all of this, but all he was able to say was:

“…no”

 _“Yea ok…”_ Eddie frowns at the tone.

"Look just...where are you? I'll come to find you and we can figure this out ok? Just tell me where you are" Eddie begs, hoping that Buck will let him explain.

_“…No”_

“N-no? You’re serious?” Eddie begins to panic.

_“Why bother? We’re never going to get anywhere, and besides, you made it clear. You don’t love me as I love you, tell Chris I’m sorry. Have fun with Ana, maybe she can love you instead”_

“Buck-“ Eddie shouts but is cut off when he hears three beeps, indicating that Buck hung up. Eddie tries to call again, but he’s sent to voicemail.

He felt like scum

His gut was churning horribly with guilt, and he didn't know what to do to make the situation any better. If Buck wouldn't open up for him, or talk to him, then there was nothing that Eddie could do to rectify the situation. Hell, he wasn't even sure what he'd say if he did manage to get Buck to let him in on where he is, because he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, himself. Guilt, primarily, at the moment, but that wasn't helpful.

“Buck…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff, I’m sorry I hurt you. Please call me back” Eddie begs through voicemail and drops to sit on the stairs.

_What had he done?_

> _**Where will I end up, tonight?** _
> 
> **_Getting fucked or frying my mind_ **
> 
> {~}{~}

Eddie kept calling and calling, but Buck never picked up the phone. Eddie went over to his place, and found his heartbreaking when his key didn’t work…he changed the locks. He would knock and beg Buck to come out, but he never did. So he would slide down the door and wait…but Buck never came out. So he would spend the day talking to him…even if he wasn’t coming out, Eddie knew that Buck was listening.

“I miss you…so much. Not the sex, but you in general…I heard from Bobby that you want to transfer stations. I get it though, I hurt you so badly.” Eddie says, his voice breaking. He’s so scared that he lost his best friend…if he can even call him that anymore.

{~}{~}

Eddie is surprised to find Lena walking into the station, a purpose is clear in her step. She heading right towards him…and she looks _pissed._

“You're an actual piece of shit, Diaz; you know that?" Lena says, getting in his face and poking him in the chest.

“Lena-“

“No! I’m speaking, and this needs to be said. I don't know if it's some weird Latinx culture thing, where you treat those who care about you like crap, but that shit's going to stop -”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he defended himself because he hadn't, honestly, thought the others knew about him and Buck.

"You want to tell me why I can't get a hold of Buck? We were supposed to meet up for sushi, and now I can't get a hold of him. He won't answer the phone and he won't open the door. So what did you do?"

"Why do you think I-"

“Don’t play _dare_ dumb with me Diaz, I know about you two. I know for damn sure that no one else has the power to fuck him over-“

"I wasn't fucking him over! I was the one who kept emphasizing it was just sex when we started this, and when I kept asking, he never told me it had turned into more for him -”

“You dare have the _audacity_ to call yourself his best friend?! You don’t notice the way he fucking lights up when you walk into a room? He's been pining after you for years. He was finally admitting to his feelings when whatever you've just done has finally pushed him over the edge because this isn’t like him!”

“Bosko…that’s enough,” Hen says, coming into the room. She gives a noise of disgust before removing herself from the conversation before she does something she’ll regret. “Buck was a willing consenting person in this, he could have stopped it-“

“You don’t know him at all if that’s what you think! Buck isn't capable of making his own decisions when it comes to his emotional well-being! He would rather have Eddie in his life as his friend and watch him be happy with someone else than lose him completely!"

“That’s enough” Hen says firmly, but Lena sends Eddie a nasty look that he’s never seen before. And he can even feel the disappointment from Hen.

"Wait...you all realized?” he asked, voice small and thoroughly chastised. “You knew, and not one of you thought to tell me?”

“We wanted you to figure it out on your own…what exactly did you say to him?” Hen demands and Lena stares hard at him.

Eddie hung his head, physically aching under the weight of his guilt. “I didn't realize he liked me. I thought he'd hate me if I told him I was attracted to men, too, so I...I told him I wasn't gay.” Eddie waits for the stretching silence to end, but nothing happens after a moment. He looks up and sees Lena, struggling to breathe to calm down.

"You what?! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Lena, you aren’t helping,” Hen says and Lena slams a locker door shut.

“Fuck you, Diaz, I’m going to be a real friend and check on him” Lena storms out of the station, the weight of her words linger.

“She’s never seen Buck like this…she’s just worried” Hen tries to reassure. “You messed up Eddie”

“I'm becoming more and more aware of that fact, thanks, Hen. I -” Eddie paused, momentarily distracted, as his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. Pulling it out, he paled at the text message that had lit up his screen.

“What is it?”

“I-it’s Ana, I told her we could go out today”

“Well, I think this is the perfect opportunity to think about what you want, don't you?” Hen replied, raising a single eyebrow. “Before things go too far in either situation.”

“I... don't know what to do,” Eddie croaked, holding back the sudden urge to break down and cry. “Buck won't come out of his apartment and is refusing to talk to anyone, and I can't just... this isn't Ana's fault, y' know? She's done nothing wrong -”

“No argument there Eddie, but you have to take a second to figure out what _you_ want ok?”

“But Hen-“

“OK?”

“…yea ok”

“You owe it to Buck, Ana, and yourself more than anyone”

“Thanks, Hen”

> _**I've lost control, please save me from myself** _
> 
> **_I’ve lost control, please save me from myself_ **
> 
> {~}{~}

The biggest wake-up moment was Ana not being surprised, at all, about this. He met her at a cafe to talk, in-person to break it off with her. He may have been a coward when it comes to his feelings, but he would never break up with someone over the phone or text message. He had explained the situation to her, and that's why they can't keep seeing each other. Had they both been that obvious the whole time? Why had nobody told him he had feelings for Buck? Or that Buck had feelings for him?

“I understand Eddie, I really do”

“I’m sorry Ana, I didn’t mean to string you along all this time”

“Don’t worry about it, it was still fun to go out once and a while”

“Thank you for understanding Ana, again, I’m sorry”

“It’s really ok Eddie. I’m glad you realized this before something bad happened” Eddie looked down at this and Ana understood. “Did something happen?”

“I-I think I messed up Ana…Buck found out about me going out with you. And it’s not your fault but…god I messed up with him”

“Then you need to make it right before it’s too late”

“I’m so scared that it already is...he won’t talk to me”

“I think you should give him time to process, I think he’ll come around”

“I hope so…” A little while after Ana parted ways with him, Eddie is staring at his phone at a certain contact. Before he can stop himself, he hit the call button.

“What?”

"Lena? Is he still at home?"

“Yes” Her responses have been shorter over the few days. He sighs as he sinks further down.

“Can you please let him know that I’ll be here when he’s ready to talk?” Lena said nothing for a few seconds before hanging up. Whether or not she’s going to rely the message, he’ll just have to wait and see.

{~}{~}

> _**Calm me down with your caress** _
> 
> **_I'll get off while I watch you undress_ **
> 
> **_Maybe the sex will help me to forget_ **
> 
> **_A precious, transient schizophrenic bliss_ **

Eddie didn’t move an inch when Buck let go of the ledge, he simply stared after the smoke to where Buck fell. He knows his radio is going crazy, but he can’t hear anything besides the ringing in his ears. He then feels arms wrap around him and pulls him out of the collapsing building. He fights against whoever is holding him and he fights even harder when the building goes down.

“Why didn’t he take my hand?” Eddie asks through tears as other firefighters are digging through the rubble of the complex. Bobby stays silent as he watches, a grim and sad expression on his face. He hears someone yell and he fights harder against Bobby as they finally pull Buck out of the wreckage. He stops moving as he watches Hen, Chim, and a few other paramedics work on stabilizing him. He then watches Buck opens his eyes, look around for a moment before they land on him. Buck stares at him for a moment before Hen moves his head back to check his vitals. It started Eddie to see Buck so…pale

And as they paramedics loaded Buck into the ambulance to take him to the hospital, one thought rang around Eddie’s head.

_He did this_

“There, see, Eddie? Look at me,” Bobby instructed, and he did as he was told mindlessly. “They're going to do everything they can for him, okay? This is not your fault.”

Eddie had never disagreed with something so intensely before in his life.

{~}{~}

> _**Oh, my god, you're beautiful** _
> 
> **_Why do you stay with this neurotic fool?_ **

_The wait for news was horrible._

They took Buck immediately into the ICU when they arrived at the hospital – Eddie and the others hot on the ambulance's heels – and he had been in there for three hours now, with no word from any of the doctors. Eddie, Lena, and Hen had to sit outside in the waiting room since the others were forced to go back and help clean the scene. Lena calmly explaining as best she can what happened to Maddie as Eddie tries not to cry, kick, and scream in the middle of the lobby.

The more he sits and thinks about it, the more the thought refuses to leave his mind. He could have lost Buck before he had a chance to call him his…if he still can that is. And the thought of losing Buck was more terrifying than anything else in the entire world. Not seeing him every day – not being able to touch him, and hug him, and... and kiss him – suddenly seemed unbearable, and he realized, heart aching in his chest, that -

“I’m in love with Buck” he whispered, but not quietly enough because they heard him.

“It’s about fucking time” Lena says scoffing.

“Lena stop” Hen says, before a warm, petite arm was circling around Eddie’s shoulders, and he was being pulled into a fierce embrace. “It's okay, Eddie -”

“It's not,” he disagreed, desperately trying to hold in a sob, and failing. “I'm the reason he's here – if I'd just figured it out sooner -”

“He doesn’t want you to punish yourself so much, you have to focus on him getting better”

“But what if he... what if he doesn't recover?” he choked, clinging to Hen like a child. “What if he -?”

“Family of an Evan Buckley?” At this everyone, Eddie included, stands up and surrounds the doctor.

“Is he alright?”

“He’s good, all things considering. He has severe bruising around his torso and back, a concussion, and severe smoke inhalation. But otherwise, he has a good chance of a full recovery. You can go see him, but family only right now.” Lena sighs but says that she’ll go get Buck’s apartment ready for when he goes home. She sends a terrifying warning look to Eddie before leaving the hospital.

“How are you related to the patient?”

“I’m his coworker and Eddie is-“

“His spouse!” The doctor leads them to the room and Eddie has to stop himself from throwing up at the sight of Buck looking so small. Hen goes to request Buck’s records and it leaves Eddie to bask in his mistakes. He can see that Buck has lost weight, his hair has lost its shine, and he looks like a former shell of the man he loves. He shakily takes a seat in the chair next to Buck’s bed. He stares at Buck’s hand for a moment, contemplating whether or not he can hold it. He instead reaches up to push back the slightly sweaty hair as gently as he could.

“I’m sorry” he whispered before he could stop himself. It was then he grabbed Buck’s hand, softly bringing it to his mouth to kiss it. When Buck doesn’t respond, he lets out a soft sob, something he never thought he would allow himself to do. He finds himself unable to catch his breath when the weight of his actions threaten to collapse him. He slumps down into the chair and tips forward until his face is buried in the sheets. “I’m so sorry.” He says again, unable to think of something else to say at the moment. Eddie continues to softly cry when more thoughts of what he should have said that day instead of the rejection.

“I love you” he scoffs at himself “It doesn’t seem like it, I know. But how could I not? You’re incredible, kind, and a genius” He whispered, shutting his eyes tightly and pressing a gentle kiss to the very center of Buck's birthmark. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that, and that I made you feel so alone. And I know it doesn't seem like it, but I love you...so much. I never told you because I was afraid of what my family would think, but now I know that it doesn't matter. I would rather lose them than the family I have here. Chris, you, tia and abuela, you all are my family, and I'm so sorry that I made you think you weren't a part of it.”

“Eddie?” He hears from above him and he shoots up to look at the source of the voice. Buck is flinching against the brightness of the room, so Eddie leaves his side, hesitantly, to lower the brightness of the room. He stares at Buck as he struggles to open his eyes, and almost cries again when he sees Buck’s blue eyes open.

“Oh, God,” he choked, and couldn't see for the tears as he tentatively reached out and cupped Buck’s pale cheek in his hand. “God, Buck, you're all right, you-I’m so happy to see you”

“Wha? Y-you’re here?” Eddie’s heart sank when he hears the disbelief in his voice.

“Of course I’m here” Eddie reassures as best he can. “Where else would I be?” He asks hesitantly, afraid to know the answer.

“With Ana…I figured-“

“I stopped seeing her”

“Why?” Buck asks after a while of silence, pulling a little away from his touch.

“Because I love you” he replied, trying to sound as confident and earnest as he possibly could because this was the only thing he truly cared about. “I'm in love with you, _Evan_ , and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I made you think -”

“No…y-you can’t! You can't do this to me, not after everything you said! Y-you told me you weren't..." his voice broke, and he looked more vulnerable than Eddie had ever seen him before, laid out as he was. “You said you're not gay. You were sleeping with Ana at the same time and-“

“I never slept with her” Eddie says, cutting Buck off, who looks shocked.

“W-what?”

“She told me she identifies as asexual. So I never slept with her, I went on a few dates with her, but there was no connection. Even if there was, I couldn’t be with her…not when I love-“

“Don’t! Y-you can’t say that to me…not after you told me that it was just sex.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you! I was so scared of what you would think, o-or my family back home. But when you let go? Buck, I was so afraid I lost you…none of my fears mattered anymore. I just had to make sure you were ok, and that you knew how much I-“

“Eddie please don’t say it!” Buck sobs out, turning away from Eddie.

“What can I do? How can I prove it to you?”

“Y-you can’t! This isn’t real…i-it can’t be”

“It is,” he replied desperately. “It is, Buck, I promise, I – what can I do to make you understand? I -”

“You should have told me…that way I wouldn’t have spent so much time wondering why I wasn’t enough for you. All that time I thought about what did Ana have that I didn’t?”

“She doesn’t have anything…I promise. You’re the one I’m in love with”

“Eddie y-you can’t. She-“

“I already told you, I stopped seeing her”

“Y-you’re serious?”

“I couldn’t keep seeing her, even as friends because you’re the one I want to be with”

“You let me go…you left me alone every time. I just wanted to be with you…that’s all I wanted” Buck sobs quietly and Eddie feels himself cry too. How could he have hurt him this badly?

“I know, and it’s the worst mistake I ever made. I’ve been... so stupid,” he mumbled, suddenly bone weary, “and I understand if you never want to see me again – honestly, I'm still trying to figure out a way that I never have to look at myself again, either – but just... just know that I'm telling the truth. I'm in love with you, Evan Buckley.” With that, he got to his feet. “I'll... I'm going to go. I just want you to know how sorry I am…I messed up so bad with you.” Eddie leans forward to place a kiss on Buck’s forehead. “You need to rest, and I... I don't think I deserve your company right now.”

He waits, but lets out a sob when Buck doesn’t call out to him

{~}{~}

> _**I’ve lost control, please save me from myself** _

Eddie had just gotten home from dropping Chris off for a weekend at tia’s house. He doesn’t have to go to work today so he’s left alone with his thoughts. He knows from Maddie and Lena that Buck got out of the hospital last night, and he didn’t receive any text messages or calls from him. While he understood that he needed his space, he wished that Buck had reached out to him. Even if it was to yell at him, he just wanted Buck to talk to him. Eddie knows that he has to get up and do some of the chores around the house, but he can’t find himself to get up from the couch. He misses Buck more than ever, and he wishes he was next to him on the couch, but he knows that it’s his own fault.

He doesn’t know how long he’s on the couch when he hears a knock at the door. He burrows further into the couch in order to avoid answering it, but the knocking gets louder and more insistent. He makes his way to the door and is surprised to see Lena on the other side of it.

“Lena? Is Buck ok?”

“He’s fine, but he’s asking for you”

“H-he is?” Eddie asks, desperation in his voice, hoping that it’s true and not a joke.

“Yes…and I have no idea why after what you did to him” Eddie suppresses the urge to flinch at the tone and reminder. “But he’s asking for you, and even though Maddie and I really don’t like it, he’s a grown man that wants to see you.” Eddie sighs as he nods. “And Eddie? Don’t hurt him”

“I won’t”

“But you already did” Lena says before taking her leave. Eddie waits until she’s gone before getting in his car before he thinks about what he is going to say.

{~}{~}

> _**I’ve lost control, please save me from myself** _

Eddie is shaking with anxiety as he waits for Buck to open the door. On the drive over, he still didn’t have an idea of what he’s going to say. He feels himself freeze when Buck opens the door.

“Hi” Eddie says after a moment, not knowing what else to say.

“Hi” Buck says back, and Eddie hates how awkward it’s become. Buck moves aside to let Eddie in, and before, he would have got straight to the kitchen to get a beer and then they would spend time together. But not anymore…maybe never again, now, he stands awkwardly in the middle of the apartment, forcing himself not to look around. Buck is standing behind him too, the tension is awkward and so out of place.

“How are you feeling?”

“Kinda sore…falling down 4 stories will do that to you though”

“Why’d you do it?” Eddie asks and Buck sits down firmly on the couch, sighing. “Buck?” Eddie asks again, taking a seat on the table in front of him, giving Buck some space.

After everything that happened between us...I wanted nothing more than you to be happy. I wanted you to be happy so much, even if it was without me, that I literally wanted to just stop being. I had to experience what it was like for you to leave me even though we weren't together.”

“I’m so sorry…I-I let things get out of hand-“

“Out of hand?!” Buck interrupted loudly and Eddie had to suppress another flinch. “I was so _fucking_ ready to die just so you could be happy! I-I had to watch you leave as you fucked me – as you ruined me for anyone else – and now, even right now, I want to just fucking forgive you and kiss your stupid face -” The kiss, when Eddie drew their faces together, wasn't really a kiss at all, so much as mashing of mouths, and exchange of tears and shuddering, gasping breaths.

“No,” Buck gasped, sobbed, as he pulled away after only a few moments. “No, you can't just... you can't just kiss me and expect everything to be all right, Eddie, I... _you can't do this me_.”

“Then tell me! What can I do to show you I want to be with you? That you’re the only one for me?” Eddie asks desperately.

“I don’t know...because this can’t be real,” Buck says resigned and Eddie lets out a few tears at the tone. No one says anything for a moment before Eddie nods and gets up.

“I’m sorry Buck, I truly am. I’ll get out of your hair now, but for what it’s worth. I love you” Eddie says resigned and is about to turn the handle on the door when he hears Buck again from his bedroom.

“Eddie wait”

“Yeah?”

Buck looked torn – a deep frown cutting into his forehead – as, scrubbing his eyes a final time, he gestured for Eddie to come back over to him. “Don't go.”

Eddie was up the stairs in a matter of seconds, tentatively taking Buck’s hand in his own when the blonde held it out to him. He didn't think – didn't dare hope – because Buck obviously just didn't want to be alone right now, and -

“Lay with me?” he asked, uncertain, as he pulled Eddie a little closer and threw the sheet covering him back. “Please?”

Eddie went willingly, allowing Buck to tug him closer and closer on the bed. He almost lets out a sob when Buck burrows himself into Eddie’s chest.

“Are you sure about this?” Eddie asks hesitantly, not wanting to make Buck feel uncomfortable.

“Yes...but I’m still mad at you”

“I understand. I didn’t treat you right”

“No you didn’t...so please don’t make me look like an idiot for giving you a second chance” Eddie froze in shock...could it be?

“Y-you mean-“

“Yea…I do”

“Buck…you’re too good for me. I promise I’ll show you ho much I love you and how much you mean to me” Buck simply hums and Eddie knows that he doesn’t believe him, but he’s serious about this. He loves Buck more than anyone he’s loved as a partner. And as much as it pains him to think that because of Shannon, but he can’t help it. “I promise I will, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I will” Buck nods before sighing.

“This is…kinda nice” Buck says, sighing again in…contentment?

“What is?” Eddie asks, dropping a soft kiss on Buck’s forehead.

“This. Holding each other like this…I don’t think we’ve done this before. It was always just a fuck, and then you left. But this is nice” Buck says and Eddie tightens his hold.

“Yea” Eddie forces himself to swallow the lump in his throat “It really is” he says, dropping another kiss to Buck’s birthmark.

“I... I love you, Eddie,” the man whispers, voice still heartbreakingly insecure, and that just wouldn't do.

“I love you too. Thank you for giving me another chance. I won’t mess it up”

“Why did you say you weren’t gay…and you’re here now?” Buck asks after a while of silence and Eddie knew this question was coming.

“Like I said earlier, I was scared of what my family would think of me when they found out…I was raised with the notion that people who liked the same sex or gender was doomed to go to hell. And my parents are extremely traditional”

“Is that why you left?”

“One of the reasons…it all came to a head when they told Chris to stop crying” Eddie felt Buck stiffen in his arms and he pulls back slightly to look up.

“Are-you serious?”

“Yea…I know how toxic that kind of environment can be…so I left. I refuse to let my kid grow up like that. Scared to show his emotions and become someone who never learns how to deal with them properly.” Eddie lets out a soft laugh “Pretty ironic huh? I always let Chris express his emotions so he doesn’t become me”

“Well…I think you’re pretty great” Buck says pulling Eddie closer, who lets out a soft sob. He buries his nose in Buck’s unkempt curls and places multiple kisses on his head.

“I really don’t deserve you…after everything I put you through-“

“You’re here now”

“I’m here to stay…I promise” Buck nods and sighs, he feels himself drifting off.

“I think I believe you” Eddie felt Buck grow heavy, and soon he fell asleep too.

_And when Buck wakes up in the morning, he smiles a little when he feels Eddie is still holding him close._

> _**I’ve lost control, please save me from myself** _

* * *

**AND DONE!**

**This might be my last story for a while because I have a research paper to do! I'll be back!!**

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!


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